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Astrology

A friend of mine (who I know to be a believe in the paranormal) mentioned to me that she was having a friend over who was a psychic. Naturally, I was interested in meeting this "psychic." As it turned out, she was just an astrologer. Regardless, I had her give me a reading. What she didn't know was that I had a cassette recorder in my pocket. The tape I got from the reading wasn't very good, but I managed to produce a transcript out of it regardless. This transcript is reproduced below. As you read it, note how many of the predictions will work for all teenagers, or are too vague to test, or will only come true in the distant future. That's how so-called "psychics" fool their marks: enough such predictions, and the gullible will easily be fooled. I've gone through and highlighted the text: green means a hit, red means a miss, and yellow means a guess which could either be made from my appearance/age/etc., or which is too far in the future to be assessed. To see the highlighting, click the button below; since it's easier to read without the highlighting, I've given you the option of using it or not. So, read on, and see what a real fake psychic says:

Note that * either means I was unable to figure out what was said, or represents an action. Figure it out with context.

Reader: Now write your date of birth, and I'll meditate, and I'll start giving you your reading.
Me: OK
Me: *writes date of birth*
Reader: *reads back date of birth*?
Me: Yea.
Reader: You have Wednesdays and Fridays as your lucky days. * You've got to wear something with a tiger's eye stone. * This will help you to feel * very moody. Two weeks of the month, you become entranced, you be strong, you be positive. The other two weeks, you will not express yourself at all, you will just be very tired within yourself. If you wear this tiger's eye stone, it will entrance you, and you will not be like – sort of drifting, you'll be balanced within yourself. From ages 11 and a half to 33, disappointment… *writes down 18 - 21 - 23 - 25 - 28½ - 30* These are ages for jobs, studies, and money… you will have *, you will have interviews for jobs * they'll have you coming in and going out * How old are you now?
Me: I'm 17.
Reader: 17. So, educationally … now you can take notes on your own
Me: OK.
Reader: You can go either into computers, law, medicine, engineering, or business. Which one do you have in mind.
Me: Hmm. Probably computers.
Reader: Computers. Now, with computers, your left eye is weaker than your right eye. And sometimes, you get headaches. Sometimes you feel like the corner of the eye is cloudy. You now have to make sure that you can manage because you're facing * studies * at exam time, you feel that you can't function properly. This * kind of make you difficult to make up your mind, and * what you want to. But when you turn 22 and a half, you'll become more positive, * very positive for you. * two and a half years from now, you'll be more stronger in mind and intellect. Now put out your right hand.
Me: *does same*
Reader: Your spiritual line is very good; spiritually you do not have a problem. Wherever you go, people always will mistake you for others. You were born and born back many times, there are lots of places you will go, people that you'll meet who you feel like you know them and have seen them already. Now you will not express yourself much, you make fun out of lots of things, and you will not take life seriously, and when anybody talk to you, you will listen, but you make fun out of what they say to you. Everybody will look at you now, they think you are one who might be a * are not mature, but your brain goes 100 miles per hour. You will do very good if you make up your mind, but because – being afraid sometimes to take chances, that will hold you back. Alright? Like, college, anything in the north or northeast will be good for you. What colleges in the north or northeast?
Me: Um, I don't know. I'll see where I get in. April 2nd, I'll hear back from Yale and Harvard, and on – Princeton, I'm not sure when, I'm hearing back from Caltech – they're sending out the letters on April 1st, and Duke and Hopkins, I'm going to hear back from eventually as well.
Reader: OK. So then you should be positive about the ones from the northeast…
Me: Yale, Harvard, and Princeton.
Reader: Which one is close to, like, a lake or something?
Me: I know Harvard is near a river… the Charles river…
Reader: So then that's a sure thing…
Me: I also know I was at Yale last summer, it's near – there's a beach nearby. So, I'm not sure if that counts…
Reader: OK, so either one from the north, northeast is going to be good. Now, according to your – you see, right now, because of the age, you feel kind of frustrated, you get depressed, and you can't make up your mind what you want to do, but when you turn 22 *looks at the ages she wrote down, and sees that 22 isn't one of them* um, 21-22, you should start having * again, but when you're 18, you will find that people aren't paying attention when you speak or what you'd want to do, they don't seem to understand you, so there's where you'll be upset with them, and you'll shut off, and maybe just be in a room by yourself because – and your energy, you will be studying with your music – while music is going on, with TVs on, and if you make friends in your life, it's a short period of time, because they will be more, um, different from you, they will not understand you, and this is where you kinda feel you're not appreciated and such. You will have many relationships for short-term periods, but if you get married around 30, 35, you will be much successful in married life. You will be meeting lots of people from different races and religions, and you will like two very much. But one that you like, she will like somebody else, and you will be thinking about her on your mind all the time, and that will make you feel lost. So, when that situation comes up, cancel it, because she's not going to be real in your life, she's always going to be with the other person. So, don't think about her, forget about her. Wear colors like brown, yellow, orange-colored yellow, grey, this will help you with positive feelings. Sometimes, you suffer lots of stomach pain, and pain in the wrists and such, and knees, and ankles. Do you have any problems with your knees and ankles, with the bones, stiffness, painful…
Me: Not…occasionally…not often…
Reader: You should avoid all acid, acidy things, * because your stomach will be kinda having problems, so you should keep this in mind and don't use too much acid. In the age of 35 and a half, you will be very successful, but you will be not…maybe not in the state of Florida, some other places, like maybe Dallas, Texas, or Colom, I don't know why, Colombia, but a certain time in your age, you will like traveling a lot, and you will do lots of traveling. Your life time is almost 89 to 96 years. In old age, you will suffer kidney problems, arthritis problems. * sometimes, you feel very lazy; if you're active, you can do *. Lots of times, you make fun out of things, and if you get serious in life, you can do good, very good. When you turn 18, you're supposed to get a scholarship, or you will get into something special, when you turn 18. You * very active, very athletic, when you turn 18. Something special, like an inheritance from, you know, grandparent or a *. There are three children or five in your family?
Me: Three.
Reader: Three?
Me: Yea.
Reader: You are the middle, or…
Me: I'm the oldest.
Reader: I see. Any questions?
Me: Well, first of all, the colleges, you see me in the northeast, so that would imply I'll – I'm going to get into Harvard or Yale?
Reader: The one that's near water, so it could be either one. But the one that I'm seeing; it's not clear which one it is. So I can't tell which one it is. OK? You have a temper, you get excited at your home, but outside, you have a nice communication with friends, so you must learn to get closer to your parents, because there is a misunderstanding in your house. They seem to know you like *, because they think that you're not taking everything seriously, you're not grown up, so they need to see that you can *, because they seem to be worried about so much. So show them that you're capable of doing it. Because, you see, you have a way of speaking up, but only with friends, but when you're at home, you don't say much to anybody, and they see you to be somewhat childish, not mature, so let them know that they don't have to worry about you, you'll be good. Because you should be *. 18 , things supposed to start happening for you. Like, July, you'll turn 18, so let's say around October, November, you should be much stronger, more positive about everything that you do. You also have healing hands, just sometimes, like, you'll feel close to people, and when you touch them, they'll feel relief from their sadness *. You'll be a very loving person, but you won't be lucky in love.
Me: I won't be lucky?
Reader: No, because you will always – they'd not express themselves to you. You'd be better off with, um, a Libra, Vogo…
Me: Vogo?
Reader: Yea, that's September-born.
Me: How's that spelled?
Reader: V-I-G-R-O.
Me: Oh, Virgo, Vigro.
Reader: OK. So, no Scorpio, and no Sagittarius, but any other kind of date, you can be close with. Do you know what a tiger's eye stone is?
Me: Not really.
Reader: It's a gemstone, like this *points at ring* is emerald, and it will be yellow with a streak of brown or lighter color. Looks just like a tiger's eye, except that it's a gemstone. It gives you good luck and * you should get one and * to work. You can either wear it as a pendant or you can wear it as a ring. You will be very successful when you turn 35; you will have a home, and everything. Do you have lots of visions of fame, imagination, you imagine lots of things, it's OK to make up your mind. Any questions?
Me: Nothing that I can think of offhand, no.
Reader: See, * you can use one of these, any day that you need to do anything, you'll use a Wednesday or a Friday, if you're going to buy yourself a car, or a house, or you're going to get into a business or something, you'll use these days. These are the days that you'll have luck. OK? Pleased?
Me: I think, with the colleges especially, I think Harvard is a little bit closer to the Charles than Yale is to the Atlantic, so, probably…
Reader: Well, either one is going to be good for you, so you can sort of program yourself for that. But what you want to do is practice having more frequent *,
Me: Yea, probably. Maybe…
Reader: * the * problem, and the eye problem…
Me: Not really. I'm not sure. Actually, I have my glasses prescription, so I can check…
Reader: * And otherwise, your energy and everything is good. You just need to show mommy and daddy that you're capable, and they shouldn't feel that you are not making up your mind seriously, and that * everything you want * good time. You never got any scholarships or anything?
Me: Well, last year, I got a scholarship to the University of Rochester.
Reader: Alright.
Me: Thank you.

***end of session***