Deep Thoughts

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• If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How's my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it's okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you'd say, “Aw fuck you, get outta here,” and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
• A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That's dynamite, baby.”
• Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
• I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
• If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
• I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
• Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”
• Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
• The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
• I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
• I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
• I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
• I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”
• I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
• I'd rather be rich than stupid.
• If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So sue me.”
• If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
• I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
• What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
• We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
• Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
• I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
• As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
• Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
• If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
• If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
• I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
• He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,” some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, “I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.”
• The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
• Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
• As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rocks.” Marta said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
• If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
• Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
• We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
• I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
• As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
• Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
• The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
• When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
• Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
• Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
• I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
• Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
• If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
• If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
• I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?” or “Do you have that $50 you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!
• I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
• I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
• If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
• I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
• Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
• I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
• It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
• If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
• The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, “Oh, you mean this?” and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
• Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you…
• Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
• The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
• Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the “Cricket Boy”, because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, “You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else.” Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
• I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat”. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
• I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, “Looking for gold, ya durn fool.” He'd say, “Your pick is gold,” and I'd say, “Well, that was easy.” Good joke, huh.
• A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
• I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
• Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it “dull” that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
• I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. “That was fun,” I said. “You bet it was,” said Nick. “Let's climb higher.” “No,” I said. “I think we should be heading back now.” “We have time,” Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
• If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”
• I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don't have to tell me,” I said. “I'm off the team, aren't I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
• If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
• I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
• Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, “Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.” He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: “This story isn't too long.” But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, “Uh-oh, this story is getting long.” But then the story was over, and I said to myself: “You know, that story wasn't too long after all.” I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
• I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
• I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
• To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
• Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
• If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
• It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
• Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
• Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
• If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
• Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
• If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
• One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
• Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
• Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname “Fly Head.” Normally you would think that “Fly Head” would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean “having a head like a fly”? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
• Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
• As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
• If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, “Can't you make it shoot farther?” “No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.”
• If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
• Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can't we all be brothers?
• During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.”
• I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
• If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
• Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, “Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.”
• For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
• I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
• I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity “happen.”
• Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
• I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what?They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
• How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
• I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
• The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll standup and go, “Hey, I'm Vine Man.”
• It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marine land says, “You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.” Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
• I don't pretend to have all the answers, I don't even pretend to know all the questions. Hey, where am I?
• I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
• If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!
• Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
• I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!
• If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
• If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
• After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, “Hey, old buddy, how's it going?”
• When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, “Hey, good job.”
• I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
• You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
• Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, “Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?” (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
• I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
• I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
• I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
• I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”
• The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, “Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.”
• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
• There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then “skinned.” I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
• If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
• Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
• You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of “accidentally” brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
• If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
• If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
• If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
• Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, “Aw, who cares?” And then I think, “Hey, what's for supper?”
• When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
• Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
• If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
• If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. “Wait a minute! I thought WE won!”
• The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months warm, happy, and floating…you finish off as an orgasm.
• Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
• I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later, you might think you're having a good idea but it's really just the eggs hatching.
• Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.
• If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
• You know, I think it would be really great to know one of those mad scientists, but right before they go completely mad, because they probably had some really wild parties.
• A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
• It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
• One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. And laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
• I'd like to see a James Bond movie where James Bond gets behind financially and maybe has to take out a bill consolidation loan, because even when he's applying for the loan he's still real smart-alecky.
• When I was about in the third grade I used to play with matches all the time. Then one day, something made me stop. I accidentally scraped one across a rough surface and it caught on fire!
• We're all afraid of something. Take my little nephew, for instance. He's afraid of skeletons. He thinks they live in closets and under beds, and at night they come out to get you when you're asleep. And what am I afraid of? Now, I'm afraid of skeletons.
• One year Dad decided he was going to take us on a “surprise vacation.” We wouldn't know where we were going until we got there. We were all real excited when we piled into the station wagon early one morning. We went about five blocks, then we got in an accident at a four-way stop. I guess it was a pretty good surprise, but why did we need all that camping gear?
• People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
• When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well, no wonder you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.
• One weird thing that happened to me was one time I was in a plane that was landing and I suddenly stood up and yelled, “The plane's going to crash! The plane's going to crash!” The stewardess told me to sit down and be quiet, so I did. The plane landed okay, but as we were all going to get our bags, I started yelling, “Our bags aren't going to be there! They're not gonna be there!” But they were, even Strappy. So I rented one of those metal carts to put your bags on, and guess that happened? I crashed into another guy's cart. So that's pretty weird, isn't it?
• Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
• I remember one night I was walking past Mom and Dad's room when I heard them talking about how they might not have enough money to pay their bills that month. I knew what I had to do. I went and got my piggy bank and buried it in the backyard, where they couldn't get their mitts on it.
• Kids don't need expensive new toys to have fun. A lot of times we would have just as much fun getting in my dad's car and letting off the emergency brake and just seeing where the car would go before it stopped.
• We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
• Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go “Whoa! Whoa!” and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
• When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
• To become a knife thrower in the circus, they probably don't let you start off throwing at a live woman. They start you out with a little girl.
• I don't think I can be hypnotized. This hypnotist tried to hypnotize me one time, but he couldn't. And I tell him that each time I go over to wash his car, which is every Wednesday.
• Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
• In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
• Mom used to warn me that I could lose an eye playing with BB guns. But she never warned me that I could also lose my BB gun, which I did.
• The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. “Sorry,” he said with a smile.
• With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it.
• You know something that would really make applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
• It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
• What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
• I think a new, different kind of bowling should be “carpet bowling.” It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!
• I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us “ants,” because we hate that.
• I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick “Americans” as their mascot.
• There used to be this bully who would demand my lunch money every day. Since I was smaller, I would give it to him. But then I decided to fight back. I started taking karate lessons. But then the karate lesson guy said I had to start paying him five dollars a lesson. So I just went back to paying the bully. Before I paid him, though, I would go into my karate stance, because that's all I learned before I got kicked out.
• A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
• Every summer we'd get our baskets and buckets and go out into the hills and woods, looking for wild strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. We never found any, though.
• When we would go for a drive in the family car, I used to love to stick my head out the window, until one time we passed an oncoming car and my head knocked off a dog's head.
• I'd like to see a movie where a guy is going to die when the sand runs out of an hourglass, but then at the last minute an ant stops the sand from running out. Then the rest of the movie is about the ant.
• One year Dad decided he was going to save money on haircuts, so he bought an electric haircutter kit. At first everything went fine, but then he gave us haircuts. They were horrible. Then everything seemed to be going fine for a while, but then he gave us haircuts again. So I guess, mostly, it was a good idea.
• When I picked up the little dead mouse that my cat had killed, at first I felt sad. Then I felt hungry. I forget what happened after that.
• I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, “Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.” Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
• If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
• Of all my imaginary friends, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill.
• I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist: “You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand.” And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are some peanuts. Then, when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
• For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.
• I remember the time I asked Grandpa what he did in the war. At first he didn't say anything. Then he pulled a frozen T-bone steak from under his shirt. “I stole this,” he said. “No,” I said, “not the store, the war.” He showed me a red mark on his stomach and said he was wounded, but I think it was from the T-bone.
• The king threw back his head and laughed. He enjoyed a good laugh, and so did his wife, the queen. When she saw the king laughing she let out a big laugh too. In fact, she laughed so hard she broke her throne. This made them both laugh harder. Then they got serious when they remembered they had the plague. “The plague,” said the king, but the way he said it made them both burst out laughing again.
• When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
• Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
• To my way of thinking, there's nothing that can't be cured by a big ol' pot o beans. Except maybe bean fever.
• I think the things you remember most are the little things, like that little space guy I kept tied up down in the basement. That little guy was only about five inches tall! He used to beg me to untie his rope, but I knew he'd just run away if I did. I think the cat finally got him, but the cat had little burn marks on him, from where the space guy shot him with his little gun, before his ammo ran out. I remember things like that.
• To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
• To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big “thing.” This is truth, to me.
• When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you could that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
• I'd like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because it would finally establish a “tap barrier,” and we could move on from there.
• If you're being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you're also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn't really change things. Just keep on running.
• Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
• There is one question that probably drives just about every vampire crazy: “Oh, do you know Dracula?”
• Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
• They were a proud people. In fact, some said they were too proud. If you asked them why they were so proud, they'd just laugh and say, “We're not even going to answer that.”
• If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
• One Thanksgiving my parents did something I don't know if I can ever forgive them for. We were eating our turkey dinner when suddenly I realized I hadn't seen my pet turkey all day. “Where's Mister Gobble?” I asked. Dad seemed confused. “Mister Gobble?” “Yes,” I said. “My turkey. The one I picked out at the supermarket, and then after he thawed out I made him do a funny little turkey dance. Mister Gobble.” Dad's silence said it all. We were eating Mister Gobble! I ran crying from the table and locked myself in my room. Later, Dad knocked on the door and said he had some dessert for me. When I opened the door, I couldn't believe it. It was a slice of Pumpkie, my pet pie!
• In the first castles, I bet a common mistake was putting the torture room next to the master bedroom. Boy, you're just not going to get the good sleep that way.
• Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house!
• If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!
• Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeon's wing. The odd thing was, all through his life, no one had ever laughed at his wing - not even the mean kids at school. Then one day he realized why: He looked in the mirror and saw that HE WAS A PIGEON! He shit right there, as he often did, wherever he was.
• Aunt Lucy always used to win first prize at the county fair for her apple pie. It wasn't a real county fair - that's just what they called it at the mental home where she lived. And it wasn't a real apple pie either. Usually it was a ball of dough with tongue depressors and pieces of gum sticking out of it. Still, she won.
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
• Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
• When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, “Why you stupid, stupid bastard!” Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
• In all the time I was growing up, I only saw Dad cry two times. After the first time, I didn't say anything. But after the second time I left a note on his dresser that said “See a psychiatrist.” I don't know if he ever did, but at least I didn't see him cry again.
• I don't remember much at all from when I was born, except for the bright lights and being held upside down and being slapped hard on my bottom. Also, I remember thinking the doctor had a funny mustache, and when I grew up I would never have a mustache like that.
• Life is a constant battle between the heart and the brain. But guess who wins. The skeleton.
• The smell of Aunt Lucy's pies would make me come a-runnin'. But the sight of Aunt Lucy's face would make me run away.
• In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.
• You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
• I remember the first time I ever saw a shooting star I said, “What the hell is that?” But nowadays when I see one I just say, “What is that?” I leave off the “hell” part. Maybe when I'm old I'll just say, “Whazzit?”
• Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, “within reason.” When I asked her what she meant by “within reason,” she said, “You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.”
• I think there is more wisdom in a single drop of rain than there is in all the books in all the libraries of the world. Wait, not rain. Super-concentrated brain juice.
• If you're ever on an airplane that's crashing, see if you can't organize a quick thing of group sex, because come on, you squares.
• Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
• Whenever you see a bunch of Italian guys talking Italian, just go up to them and start talking fake Italian. They may not understand you exactly, but at least everyone will get a nice warm “Italian” feeling.
• One thing I always felt bad about was kicking Grandma in the head with my football shoes on. But what was her head doing right by the football like that? And how did the football get in her bed?
• I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family.
• One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something. Let me be surprised for a change.
• I hope I never have to use my underpants as a flag, because after that I could never let my underpants touch the ground.
• It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!
• I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that he was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw him again.
• I'll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old Mr. Barnslow's watermelon patch. I was with my friend Bobby. We were giggling so hard I thought I'd wet my pants! At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy and we dropped them, and that made us laugh even harder. Finally, we each picked out a good one, and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low, deep voice behind us. “Just where do you think you're going with those watermelons?” I gulped and turned around. It was old Mr. Barnslow, pointing his shotgun at us. Bobby dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the .38 revolver he kept in his waist, turned, and fired. But the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit Mr. Barnslow in the thigh. Mr. Barnslow immediately fired both barrels at Bobby. One blast of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into Bobby's shoulder. He tried to fire back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn't raise his arm. Just as he was trying to switch to his left hand, Mr. Barnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt of his shotgun. Bobby fell to the ground in a heap. Mr. Barnslow raised the butt of his gun to finish him off, but just then Bobby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into the farmer's big white belly. After that, I don't think I stole watermelons for at least a year.
• If you ever get some outer-space guy in a headlock, and his head starts throbbing and glowing different colors, don't let you. That just means the headlock is working.
• Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
• Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
• Once, when I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy. But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwiches.
• What are all these “other dimensions” I keep hearing about? To me, there's only one dimension worth anything, and that's the good ol' U.S. of A.
• One of the bad things about panning for gold is maybe sometimes you'll get a crawdaddy in your pan, and you start to wonder if you should give up on the gold and just go for crawdaddies. I can't make that decision for you.
• My parents used to abandon me a lot as a child. In the morning, they'd take me to my school and then abandon me there, until school got out. Then at night, after they tucked me in bed, they'd abandon me and go to sleep in their own bedroom. Sometimes they'd let me sleep with them in their room, but if I started playing my guitar they'd take me back to my bedroom and abandon me again. Once, they abandoned me for a whole week, at my grandparents' house.
• It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
• If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
• I think the biggest mistake I ever made in my life was not eating all of that guy's pie instead of just half of it, because he was in the restroom for at least another two or three minutes.
• If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, “Congratulations, it's a girl,” I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, “A girl? You must have mixed me up with that dork!” and point to another father.
• We asked Dad if we could have a trampoline, but he said no, that they were too dangerous and too expensive. But then we went and talked to the trampoline salesman at the store, and he said they weren't too expensive or dangerous. I think I'm still sorta mad at Dad for lying to us like that.
• It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. “What?! What?!” I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
• If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.
• If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while. Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
• Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.
• One time I don't think you should listen to your body is when it says “I'm dead.”
• There's a world that we know nothing about, that we can only imagine. And that is the world of books.
• I'll never forget the time we were at the beach and we buried Uncle Joe in the sand. Boy, did we get in trouble! In fact, we got arrested. It turns out you can't bury people at the beach. Only at the cemetery.
• If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
• I'll never forget the time the president came to our town. When I saw him go by, he looked so much older and sadder than I thought he was. Also, why was he driving an ice cream truck?
• When we were kids, I used to make fun of my friend Kevin whenever he had to go to his piano lesson. But look where he is now and look where I am. Actually, I don't know where his is now. But look where I am, that's my point.
• Later, they were tied to the bumper of a car and dragged around the block, as onlookers shrieked with delight. But one old man, who had a banjo, just shook his head and walked away. The crowd noticed this and set him on fire.
• If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: ”Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.”
• I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.
• You might think that the favorite plant of the porcupine is the cactus, but it's thinking like that that has almost ruined this country.
• If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.
• Sometimes I wish Marta was more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield, so I wrote “This car looks like a fart” in the dirt. Later, I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, “Well, maybe.” Man, whose side is she on, anyway?
• Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarter-mast for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing.
• I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
• If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
• If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys some and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
• Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
• The first time I ever tried to milk a cow at Grandpa's farm, I didn't even know which end of the cow to milk! Then I guess I got even dumber, because the next time I couldn't even find the barn. Then the last time, I just went out in the woods and lived, with no clothes.
• One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.
• The way I see it, kids need exercise more than they need ice cream. So when I worked as an ice cream man, driving an ice cream truck, I would try to drive fast enough that the kid wouldn't catch me, but not so fast that he'd give up right away. Some kids will chase you for eight or nine blocks.
• I wouldn't mind if animals ate my body, after I'm dead. And before I'm dead, they could lick me.
• When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend he is.
• One afternoon, when I was about ten, I decided to walk over to the “wrong side of the tracks.” At first I was a little scared. But then I noticed that the yards were nice, and so were the houses. In fact, most of the houses were better than those on our side of the tracks. A lot better.
• If I ever get burned beyond recognition, and you can't decide if it's me or not, just put my funny fisherman's hat on my “head.” See, it's me!
• I remember when we were kids, one of our favorite games was to play “pirate.” We'd dress up like pirates. Then we'd go find an adult walking down the street and we'd go up to him and pull out our butcher knives, which we called “swords,” and say, “We're pirates! Give us your money!” A lot of adults would pretend to be scared and give us their money. Others would suddenly run away, yelling for help. We played pirate until we were twenty or so.
• I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, “Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am not unwrapping him later.”
• Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
• I knew Mrs. Stewart, our neighbor, was afraid of black cats, so one day I dressed up in a black cat costume and went over and mowed her lawn. Then I left. I think that cured her.
• It was really sad when I went to visit my friend Jim at the state mental institution. He was convinced he was on a tropical island with no cares and no worries. It took me a long time to convince him that no, he was in a room with bare walls and a bare bed and he was wearing a straitjacket.
• One good thing about hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.
• When I told Dad I wanted a kite he said, “Okay, but instead of buying a kite, let's make one.” So we did. Then, about a month later, we also made me a bicycle, but it blew away.
• It's too bad cowboys didn't eat much pizza back in the Old West, because I think a good painting would be a cowboy giving his last slice to his horse.
• As I stood there looking at the beautiful waterfall, I wondered how many other people had stood there, and how many had candy corn “teeth” sticking out between their lips like I did.
• When I found the wallet in the road, I started wondering about the guy who owned it. Who was he? Was it William Gregory of 2407 Eastwood Lane, like the driver's license said, or was it someone else? And what was he going to spend the $220 on? About a week later, I started wondering again about the wallet guy. What was he like? And where was he going to spend his five dollars?
• If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, “Forgive me, but that's just too much.”
• If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
• Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese “gems” from burglars.
• If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
• Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually are experts.
• I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense.
• Basically, this is the way the economy works: I do a service for you, and you pay me, even if you claim you didn't want the service and that I “ruined” something of yours.
• A QUIZ: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
• What would annoy me if a space visitor ever came to our planet would be if he kept talking about things in “his world.” Your world? We don't give a flying hoot about your world!
• If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
• I'm not sure I want to get the nickname “The Love Machine,” because how does that affect my nickname now, which is “The Lawn-Cutting Machine”?
• For a while there, instead of calling Grandpa “Grandpa,” I started calling him “Grandpappy.” But he didn't like that, and asked me to go back to Grandpa. So I did, but I changed it a little. I put an “e” in instead of an “a,” so it became “Grendpa.” At first he didn't notice, but then he said, “What did you call me?” “Grandpa,” I said. But then I went back to calling him Grendpa. Finally he just said to go ahead and call him Grandpappy, which I did, only I changed it a little bit to “Grendpeppy.”
• I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
• Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?
• The first time I ever saw the ocean, I was real disappointed. “That's the ocean?!” I said. No, said Mom and Dad, that's just the parking lot. When we pulled into the lot, I was real disappointed in it. It was hard to find a spot, and the spaces seemed way too narrow, in my book. The ocean was okay, I guess, but I still can't get over how disappointing that parking lot was.
• When I think of some of the things that have been done in the name of science, I have to cringe. No, wait, not science, vandalism. And not cringe, laugh.
• If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.
• One day Dad asked me to go fishing with him. I got scared. I had the feeling he was going to try to drown me. I don't know why I thought that, because so far he had never tried to kill me. But he had never taken me fishing either, so I was suspicious. When we got to the lake, he walked right up to it. “Hey, son, come here,” he said. “Look at these minnows.” “Nice try, Dad - if that's your real name!” I yelled. Then I ran back to the car and locked myself in. Dad never took me fishing again. So I think that proves my case.
• Police Detective Riley was a no-nonsense kind of guy. Before, he really loved nonsense, and would use it a lot in his murder investigations. But he found that most people didn't appreciate it, especially the family of the victim.
• If you want to be the popular one at a party, here a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, “Well, technically that's illegal.” It might fit in with that somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
• Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new one gets created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.
• Whenever I need to “get away,” I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the weather is perfect. There's only one bad thing there: the flies! They're terrible!
• If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
• If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have “under” in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
• You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.
• The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. Uh-oh, he thought. This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.
• The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, “What am I doing?!”
• When this girl at the museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, “I like mayonnaise.” She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
• People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
• Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is we both like to spread our “stink” around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.
• Warning to all outer-space guys: You can capture me and put me in your “space zoo” if you like, but I will sit way in the back of my cage, where it's hard to see me. And when I do come out, I won't be wearing any pants.
• I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
• I guess if I was starving to death I would eat a dog. But not a collie, because I don't like the taste of a collie.
• There's always been a good explanation for everything. When that owl attacked Grandma and started biting her head, at first it didn't make any sense. Why would an owl attack Grandma? But then we found out later: a mouse was living in her hairdo.
• I think the most beautiful sunset I ever saw was on page 4 and 5 of The Book of Sunsets.
• When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I'll go ask her.
• When I pick up a handful of sand at the beach and let it dribble through my fingers, I think, Man, this is not a very good vacation.
• When I gave the bellboy his tip, he just sort of snarled at me. So I gave him some more money, but he just kept snarling. More money, more snarling. Finally I realized, Hey, you're not the bellboy, this is a robbery! I asked him anyway if he would carry my bag, but he wouldn't.
• If someone told me it wasn't “fashionable” to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, “Okay, you tell me what's 'fashionable.'” But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, “By the way, what's fashionable?”
• When I looked up at the scoreboard, there were fifteen seconds left. It seemed like plenty of time, but it wasn't. Before I could get to the restroom, I had wet my pants.
• It's funny how two simple words, “I promise,” will stall people for a while.
• Every year at Christmastime a whole set of emotions sweeps over me - emotions which probably go back to my childhood. The first emotion is wondering if I'm going to get any presents. Then it changes to “Hooray, I got some presents!” Then it changes to “Is that all the presents I got?”
• If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, “Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'” They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
• Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
• I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
• I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and would scream when you ate it.
• The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
• Probably one of the worst things about being a genie in a magic lamp is a little thing called “lamp stench.”
• Instead of a welcome mat, what about just a plain mat and a little loudspeaker that says “welcome” over and over again?
• If they ever have a haunted house for dogs, I think a good display would be a bathtub full of soapy water.
• It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
• At first I thought a good way to get people to dig you some flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here's the catch: they dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.
• When you're dying, a funny gag would be to act like you see an angel, then pretend like you're having sex with it.
• Mom used to make the most beautiful Easter eggs. Then she'd hide them in the backyard. But they were so beautiful, when we found one, we weren't allowed to pick it up. We had to point at it, and then Mom would come pick it up with her white gloves and put it back in its case. Somebody ended up smashing all those eggs with a hammer. I think it was our dog.
• I think my favorite monster movie is Gone With the Wind, because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
• People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn't the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. “No, you stupid idiot,” I said, “that's my house.”
• If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
• I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
• I'm not sure it's good to think back to my childhood memories, because I end up feeling happy and sad at the same time, and that gives me a weird “neutral” feeling.
• There was probably an old Viking saying that said, “Ax in the head, early to bed; ax in the helmet, a friend of Helmut.”
• Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a “shell” if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
• Instead of a trap door, what about an area of the floor that just shoots up real quick and smashes the guy against the ceiling?
• Sunday was always Pancake Day in our family, because that was the day we'd all drive up to Pancake Mountain, and then maybe on the way home stop and get some pizza. We'd always sing the same song, too, on the way home. It went like this: There's nothing flatter Than a pizza Nothing you can make. The only thing that might Be flatter Is a fish they call the hake!
• When I was in the third grade, a bully at school started beating me up, every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told Dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know, but he still seemed scared, and just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me if anybody picked on me not to fight back, unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise, he said, “just curl up in a ball.”
• When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. But we didn't sell many glasses, and after a few hours, we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn't give a damn about you or anything you do.
• If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
• When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
• I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
• Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.
• When I was a kid, I used to think you could jump off the roof of our house using an umbrella as a parachute. I thought my little brother could, anyway.
• When my cousin Billy came and stayed at our house for a week, at first everything seemed okay. But then I started noticing things were missing. The first thing was a bag of garbage we kept under the kitchen sink. Then the piles of ashes and butts in the ashtrays. Then all the weeds in the yard. I never said anything to him, but we never invited him back.
• When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out he hadn't been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.
• The first cigarette I ever had I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. “Don't worry, that always happens with the first one,” said Grandpa. “Try another one.” And you know, he was right.
• I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
• If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
• Life is funny. One minute you're a little kid, running through a meadow, and the next, you're a skeleton, walking through a meadow, with dogs chasing you.
• When I think of all the hours and hours of my life I have spent watching television, it makes me realize, Man, I am really rich with television.
• When I went for my first job interview, I guess I was pretty confident, because I told the guy who was interviewing me he was fired. I didn't get the job, but that isn't what bothered me. What bothered me was I found out a few months later that that guy was still working there. Hey, man, I fired you!
• As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. “This is the fourth coat crushing this year,” said the police sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
• If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful would that would be!
• Instead of a bicycle built for two, what about no kinds of bicycles at all for anybody, anymore? There, are you happy now?
• A lot of times when you first start out on a project you think, This is never going to be finished. But then it is, and you think, Wow, it wasn't even worth it.
• Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!
• Whenever I start thinking that I am not living up to my potential, I remind myself of the old farmer and his fight to the death with the insane pig. It's an exciting story, and it takes my mind off all this “potential” business.
• What started out to be a nice pleasant drive into the country turned into the “Afternoon from Hell.” First of all, when Marta and I were leaving, the cats looked at us like, “Where are you going?” Then, when we were driving, we had to stop and get gas. So right there that's time taken away from looking at scenery. Then, when we got home, guess what the cats are doing? Sleeping! Man, what next?
• As I felt the soft cool mud squish between my toes, I thought, Man, these are not very good shoes!
• I used to think Mom's biscuits were special, because she said she put a secret ingredient in them. Years later I asked her what the secret ingredient was, and she said it was “love.” Right then I felt like the biggest sucker in the world.
• Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
• Someday I would like to make a movie that makes people laugh and makes people cry, and then makes them leave the theater in a quick and orderly manner so that others may come in.
• The day I met Marta was the happiest day of my life, because that was the day I screwed a friend of mine out of a bunch of money.
• You know what makes good hair for a snowman? Real hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.
• They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: “I am a fake mountain.”
• I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself!
• If you ever decide to go panning for gold, like my friend Bob and I did one time, here are a few tips: First of all, when you're leaving to go pan, don't lock your keys in your car. Then, when you go back in your house to get a coat hanger to open it, don't realize you also locked yourself out of your house. Next, while you're standing there trying to figure out what to do, don't get attacked by a big swarm of biting flies. But if you do, don't go running to the house next door and pound of the door and the window, screaming for the neighbors to let you in, because it scares them and they just start screaming back and yelling for you to go away. Finally, don't have a friend who has a nervous breakdown like Bob, because when the ambulance comes and you try to drive away in it so you can finally go panning, they get real mad at you.
• When Dad found out the house was full of termites, he got real mad. But I was glad, because now I wouldn't have to go all the way to the woods to get termites for my termite farm.
• When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.
• If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
• If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I'd tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I'd look.
• People need to realize that every time they talk about how “fragile” our planet is, it's just like asking outer-space aliens to come invade us.
• Isn't it funny how whenever a party seems to be winding down at somebody's house, you can always keep it going just by talking a lot a eating and drinking whatever's left.